$100 Bill

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a tourist drives through town. He stops at a small hotel and says he wants to inspect the rooms and pick one for the night. The manager explains that he does not have the time to accompany him during his inspection and thus requires a deposit before he will give up a key and allow free range. So in agreement, the tourist slaps a $100 bill on the counter.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the hotelier grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to reimburse his sales manager who puts up out of town suppliers in the local hotel while they are in town wheeling and dealing.

The sales manager rushes to the hotel and pays off his room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, says the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with great optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Thanks for the enlightenment from my friend Andy

Please, tell me it isn't so...

A Snapshot of a Survivor

Most of us are undoubtedly familiar with the technique of self medication. At home it is the quintessential administration of mind altering substances used to make oneself feel better by getting drunk or high on alcohol, OTC or prescribed drugs, illegal controlled substances,
chocolates or cheese or spending endless hours playing mindless video games to the point that you, at the very least, numb the pain. It's a technique validated by the fact that if you are in a trauma unit in a hospital they hook you up to a bag of morphine and give you the button to control the flow.

Here's an excellent example of a person who has nailed the art of self induced resolute mental health therapy. I envy him/her for their emotional restraint as well as their ability to communicate with the written word and their artwork.

As always, click on the photo to enlarge.

A Couple of Yuks...

Mental Age Assessment

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.

Now, to reveal the true intent of this study go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

- Thanks to my Uncle Lee for this enlightening bit of knowledge. Or maybe it was Gus. Crap, I can't remember.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

• They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris invented water.
• Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris never learns. He knows.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Chuck Norris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 seconds.
• Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
• When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't just push himself up; he pushes the Earth down.

David's Spider

I would of given David a discount on his bill for at the very least his effort. Hell, I'd of forgiven him of the entire debt for his tenacity and humor.

Since David eventually gave up do you think he was just trying to buy some time here?

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 10-Sep-2008 10:07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 16-Sep-2008 12:37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 21-Sep-2008 10:07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 28-Sep-2008 10:32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then, please?

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 2-Oct-2008 11:42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Regardless, here it is, copied and pasted from your original transmission and embedded below.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9-Oct-2008 09:22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 12-Oct-2008 11:03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 23-Oct-2008 11:08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected my drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 26-Oct-2008 2:51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lieu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept personal checks, bank checks, money orders, credit and debit cards as well as cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 30-Oct-2008 3:17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. I am disappointed that you do not understand nor appreciate the value of my drawing of a spider.

Regards, David Thorne

The Wisdom of a Grandfather…

Today, most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children. My own father used to beat me with a belt and I really didn’t think too highly of the technique. Ultimately I don’t think it had much effect on my behavior (unless of course I knew he was in town) so I used other methods to control my own children (and now my grandchildren) when they became or become unruly.

One method that I’ve found to be quite effective is for me to just take the child for a ride in my car.

I’m not sure if it's the vibration from the car, or the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, etc. One thing that I have noticed in particular is that their placement in the vehicle is important. Don’t put them in the back seat or anywhere else where they can avoid eye to eye contact. Eye to eye contact seems to be a very important component of this ‘therapy.’

I have found that almost without exception they usually calm down after only a few miles on the road together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my oldest grandson, in case you would like to use the technique yourself.

Thanks to my Uncle Lee for passing on this knowledge to me.

10 + 8 = -2, bad math or an evil plot?

Okay, so summer is over and I've put my grill away and have started raking the leaves from my yard. So I'll put this behind me for now. But come next spring, if things don't change there's gonna be trouble.

Alice in The Army

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Bubba that being in the the U.S. Army beats working for old man Billy Bob by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Bubba all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay, practically nothing.

Men get to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Bubba you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Bubba with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting back at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that 'thug' Jordan from Baltimore, Maryland. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Bubba to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Sunday Morning Humor

I'm Being Tortured by Stories of Torture!

What's the big deal?

Here's a list of the CIA's harsh interrogation techniques as reported by ABC news:

• The Attention Grab torture.
• The Attention slap torture.
• The belly slap torture.
• The Long time sanding torture.
• The cold cell torture.
• The water boarding torture.

So far I've been lucky, I’ve never been captured by anyone for any reason and yet have endured much more torture than that which is listed above.

The following is a list of tortures I have endured:

• The silent torture (coupled with the I don’t hear you torture).
• The won’t shut up torture.
• The wash your own clothes torture (coupled with the make your own bed torture).
• The "don’t touch me!" (cold shoulder) torture.
• The "it wasn’t me" torture, and,
• The absolute mind breaking, over the line, demonic torture, delivered by hand picked, hardened teen-aged torturers, the 'I know more than you do' torture.

I have to admit, I’ve never been water boarded but apparently there must be some appeal or amusement involved with the process as two C.I.A. prisoners took the ride 266 times before they decided to 'open up' to their interrogators.

- Larry

'Rub-on Viagra'

Finally, the big pharmas are making some sense.

More Famous Quotes

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."

- Bill Clinton

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

- Lee Iacocca (chairman of the Chrysler corporation)

"Solutions are not the answer."

- Richard Nixon

And two from my top ten list:

"My main hope for myself is to be where I am."

-Woody Harrelson

"They misunderestimated me."

-George W. Bush

- Davey Kilban

As always... the key is in the illusion.

- Davey Kilban

New Element Added to Periodic Table

It’s official. The heaviest, and admittedly most inexplicable element yet known to science, Gv has been added to the Periodic Table.

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 sub-neutrons (estimate), 88 nano-neutrons, and 198 idio-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of +/- 312.

These +/- 312 particles are held together by an also newly discovered force tagged as “moronTic” and are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles referred to as aPathetic indiv-entities.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert; yet can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even trace amounts of Governmentium can delay reactions that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to ‘forever’ to complete. Contact with Governmentium has been determined to be unavoidable, thus the initial alarm was sounded in the scientific community (these people are so smart) with the connection to the formula; time = money.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years x infinity. Remarkably, it does not decay, but instead undergoes an oxymoronic process in which it decays and then replicates itself into a complex and ”chaotic” rotating cluster of nano and idio-neutrons.

Many scientists are deeply concerned. While concentrating on the integer in the equation, “chaotic,” they discovered the basic building block of Governmentium is in fact idio-neutrons or what is now commonly referred to in the scientific community as idiotrons.

Further distillation of idiotrons reveals an even more basic element, IDiot.

The fear is that the force of moronTic coupled with the element IDiot will infect humanity with an irreversible and perhaps fatal state of IDiotocrasy.

Should such an event happen, it would take you about 6 months to read this post.

- from the musings of my Uncle Lee and the scientific portion of the left side of my very small brain.

- Larry

Life's gettin' pretty freakin' complicated...

Davey Kilban

Some excellent health advise...

- Davey Kilban (the other Gary Larson).